Make America Canada Again

Tim Long | New Yorker

A beanie with the letters MACA on it.

Until 1776, America and Canada were practically the same. Then America went its own way and chose revolution, independence, and self-reliance. But Canada kept on its path—a path that has proved nicer, quieter, weirder, and, frankly, better.

One part of a sign points toward snow and kindness the other points toward selfreliance hot dogs and anger.

But now it’s time to reverse America’s tragic mistake, and MAKE AMERICA CANADA AGAIN. Why, you may ask? Well . . .

CANADA IS ROOMY

Two people sitting on opposite ends of a canoe.

Canada has more land than America, but only ten per cent as many people. For Canada, social distancing isn’t just easy—it’s a way of life!


CANADA IS TIDY

A curling stone and broom talk about tidying up.

The beloved Canadian sport of curling is literally just sweeping up!


CANADA IS NONCONFRONTATIONAL

Ghosts saying thank you please and sorry to bother you.

In many parts of Canada, kids on Halloween don’t say, “Trick or treat,” with an implied threat of reprisals. Instead, they chant, “Halloween apples.” (THIS IS TRUE.) They don’t actually want apples—they want candy—but they’re way too polite to ask for it!


CANADA HAS BETTER CULTURE

A seesaw with Joni Mitchell on one side and an overcooked steak on the other.

AMERICA: Ernest Hemingway, Elvis Presley, well-done steak.

CANADA: Margaret Atwood, Joni Mitchell, poutine.

ADVANTAGE: CANADA


CANADA IS WHIMSICAL

A Canadian one dollar coin.

The one- and two-dollar coins are called “loonies” and “toonies,” respectively. VERY FEW Canadians dedicate their lives to the pursuit of the “Almighty Loonie.”


CANADA KEEPS IT SIMPLE

A star representing that other Virginia.

CANADA: Ten provinces, many with fun names like Manitoba and Saskatchewan, and a flag featuring one (1!) maple leaf.

AMERICA: Fifty states, many with ridiculous names like Virginia and West Virginia, and a flag featuring, like, eight thousand stripes and about a million stars.

Sometimes less is more, y’know?


CANADA IS SPORTY

A teen wolf hand and a raptor hand both reach for a basketball.

BASKETBALL was . . .

INVENTED by a Canadian (James Naismith).

DOMINATED by a Canadian team (the Toronto Raptors, the defending N.B.A. champions).

PERFECTED in the movie “Teen Wolf” by the basketball-dunking title character, played by Michael J. Fox—A CANADIAN.


CANADA HAS BETTER CULTURE (PART 2)

A lighter.

Number of legendary prog-rock bands called Rush that will ROCK YOUR FACE OFF:

CANADA: One.

AMERICA: Zero.


CANADA TREATS ITS BEVERAGES BETTER

Milk in a plastic bag inside a mug.

AMERICANS: Dumped tea into Boston Harbor!

CANADIANS: Drink milk from clean, hygienic plastic bags!

ADVANTAGE: Probably Canada, but your mileage may vary. Also, your kilometrage. Which brings us to . . .


CANADA USES THE METRIC SYSTEM

A person wearing glasses and holding a metric ruler.

Logical, nerdy, and in step with the rest of the world—like Canada itself!


CANADA EVEN HAS BETTER CRIME

The busts of Donald Trump and a Canadian man who stole buckets of tree sap.

In 2016, a group of bandits stole more than three thousand tons of maple syrup from the Canadian strategic syrup reserves. (THIS IS ALSO TRUE.) The thieves were quickly apprehended and brought to justice.

In 2019, the U.S. President pressured his Ukrainian counterpart to help him win the upcoming election. He was not removed from office.

ADVANTAGE: DO WE NEED TO ASK?


The Stanley Cup trophy.

FINAL SCORE: GAME, SET, AND STANLEY CUP TO CANADA!!!

A maple leaf cheering.

Illustration by Jason Logan

Read the article here:

https://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/make-america-canada-again

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Father: "He never amounted to anything". Mother: "Who the hell does he think he is"? Former Teacher: "Smart as a bag of hammers". Former Boss: "Condescending". Brother: "Mom loves me more".
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